And yes, I’m totally craving sugar.

But somehow, I powered through.  I didn’t cave in.  I don’t really feel any better, but I’ve now been sugar free for 5 days.  Honestly, I mostly feel like I picked up where I left off.  The cravings are a little stronger now than they were in the end, but my overall mindset has picked up in pretty much the same place.  In looking at my earliest blog entries, I’m not really going through the same grieving and anger I did last time.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  On the one hand, maybe it’s really as I’ve suggested it is: picking up where I left off.  On the other hand, I worry that I’m not taking it seriously enough yet.  I’m not grieving it because I don’t really believe it yet.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself here.  One day at a time.  If I made it through today, I’m doing pretty darn well.  I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

And in those 7 months:

• I learned my son has Von Hippel-Lindau syndrome, a devastating genetic condition that his father also has.
• I accepted my first full-time, permanent position since 2000.
• I moved halfway across the country (Detroit to Denver) to start said position.  In less than two weeks.
• I brought the kids with me, but left my husband behind to try to sell our house and secure employment here in Denver.
• I discovered my new job entailed a minimum of 50 hours a week, so I was essentially a single mom working full time plus from April until mid-June.
• I found that my job is very, very high stress.

So between the stress and the extreme fatigue from how long my days were, my eating went completely to hell.  Not only was I back on sugar, I was bingeing again, I was eating out all the time, and when I did occasionally eat in, it was always high-fat, highly processed foods.

Long story short: I put on about 30 lbs in the last 4 months.

And the worst part?  Maggie has put on weight, too.  We went back-to-school shopping last weekend, and nothing fits her.  She’s still very muscular, and the fact that she is so short complicates things, but NOTHING at Justice fit her without going up two sizes – which made them way too long.  We ended up walking out without buying anything, and when I got home, I cried my eyes out.  (Not in front of her, of course!  All I told her was that she was “between sizes.”)  I feel so terribly guilty.  MY lazy habits have caused this.  A big contributing factor was the fact that she was no longer doing 6 hours of gymnastics and 2 hours of dance anymore.  (Though she is now doing 5 hours of dance per week!  But that just started up last week.)  But I knew she was less active, and I could see the weight beginning to creep on, and still, I did nothing to change our direction.

In any case, that shopping trip was really a catalyst for me: I HAVE to get back to eating healthier, along with my children.  And the first step I must take is cutting out sugar.  So we went and had one “grand finale” splurge at Cheesecake Factory.  But then Monday, I ate some sugar by mistake.  Tuesday, I ate it on purpose after a long day.  And yesterday, I ate it b/c it was offered to everyone in a meeting, and I didn’t feel like I could say no.  (And truthfully, I didn’t want to.)

So today is my first day 100% back on the no-sugar wagon.  Last year, I marked 6/23 as my anniversary date.  This year it will be August 13th.  This year – and FOREVER.

Off to re-read my old blog entries to try to find some inspiration…

And although I was proud that I stopped myself, I have to admit that it really got the idea of consuming a bunch of corn bread batter stuck in my head.  It had tasted GOOD, and I’d been fantasizing about it.  If I’d been smart, I would’ve thrown the remaining packets of cornbread mix out.  (It was a big box from Costco.)  But no, I kept it around, constantly tempting me.

Tuesday night, I finally gave in to the temptation.

I waited for Nate to head to bed, on the pretense that I was going to stay up and read for a bit.  (Which I actually do do quite often, so it didn’t seem suspicious.)  And as soon as I knew he was in the room and sound asleep (I could hear the snoring!), I set to my task.  Once the batter was made, I devoured about half of it, until I started feeling sick to my stomach.  It was exactly like old times.  I didn’t even attempt to savor it.  I just spooned it in as fast as I could…while I read my book!  What a waste.  The only good thing is that I forced myself to stop before I felt really sick, which is better than I used to do.

The funny thing is, I didn’t really even give in out of stress.  It wasn’t an emotional binge in that sense.  However, it WAS an emotional binge in this sense: my birthday was coming up (it was yesterday), and birthdays/celebrations are tied to sweets in my mind.  I spent probably 30 minutes rationalizing my choice to do this, about how I “deserved” it as a birthday treat.  

I still don’t entirely know how I feel about what transpired that night.  Actually, I AM disappointed in myself for such a stupid, not-even-that-good backslide.  But I keep going through my reasons for very deliberate(this was not heat of the moment, like the spoonfuls of batter a few weeks before) choice to do this.  Let me take you through the main two:

1. The big one: can an addict indulge once per year and be OK?  I kept thinking, “I ought to be able to have a treat just on my birthday.  That would be the ONLY day I would allow it.”  Because, in the past, I used to use EVERY holiday/bit of good news/day ending in -day, as justification for a “splurge.”  And those fed off each other.  But if I knew going in that it was just ONE TIME until next year, could I do it?  Or would I instantly be thrown back into needing a regular fix?  To be honest, so far I haven’t seen any ill effect from my backslide.  I haven’t craved sugar any more than usual.  (That might be impossible.)  And I haven’t started plotting a way to backslide again.  (Sort of – more on that in a minute.)

2. I’m starting a yeast elimination diet on 1/19.  I’ve been told that there is a very good chance this will actually kill my cravings altogether once I get my gut in balance and the taste of sugar fully out of my mouth.  (There’s no fruit even for 4-6 weeks.  It’s 100% sugar free.)  So I thought, “Why not let myself have this one final indulgence?  What better time than my birthday?”  I think this hit home for me particularly because I never had a true “final splurge” before I started this new life.  At the time, I had NO IDEA of the journey I was about to embark on.  I was just planning on going sugar free for a few months; it took about 3 days before suddenly clicked inside my head that I was never going to be able to go back if I wanted to succeed.  So in the weekend leading up to my change of life, if I’d thought then that I would be doing it permanently, I might’ve indulged in some different things.  Of course, the corn bread batter was not on that list – but since the house is sugarfree now, and I was craving it, it still seemed like a good idea.

And so here I sit, 36 hours later, regretting totally my choice to binge and to binge on something so stupid and unfulfilling.  But I’m actually still on the fence about the once a year thing, and it’s actually a fairly relevant question because we haven’t truly celebrated my birthday yet.  Nate’s birthday is the 13th, and we’re having a nice night out for both our birthdays on the 17th.  And I’m thinking realllllly hard about if I want to have dessert that night.  I start the yeast elimination diet two days later, in which I hope to kill my cravings outright.  And although it’s not technically my birthday anymore and I did already have my supposed once-a-year splurge – I count that one out as more of a backslide.  Can I have a considered, rational, non-binge indulgence to celebrate my birthday?  Honestly, if I DO have a celebratory treat that Saturday night, it may truly be my last one.  Because if I kill the cravings with my yeast elimination diet, I will NOT be going back.  I really will be done forever.  If I can release myself from this hell, I’m certainly not gonna walk back through the door!  But right now, while I’m still in hell, can’t I do something to make it a little more pleasant for a few minutes….

I don’t know.  I’m really am on the fence about this.  Dear readers, please help me out.  Shall I allow myself this one last (or perhaps, once per year) indulgence?  Or is that just the Sugar Devil sitting on my shoulder, telling me what I want to hear???

1. Continue living sugar free.
2. Kill the yeast imbalance in my system.
3. Eat out less, cook from scratch more.
4. Try more new recipes.
5. Start going to the produce market every week and stocking up on fresh fruits and veggies.
6. Save money for a Vitamix, although it may even be 2010 before I can afford one.
7. Exercise 4 times per week.
8. Use the Wii and the treadmill regularly as part of my weekly exercise goals.  
9. Complete the Couch to 5K program.
10. Walk in a 5K.

In a way, this seems like a lot.  But really, they could be condensed into three overarching goals: remain sugar free, eat better overall, get moving regularly.  I just think it’s helpful to have some specific goals written out or it can be easy to get overwhelmed or, alternately, too lax.

And I suppose all of these could be condensed even further into one meta-goal: end 2009 a healthier me than I started it.

So why don’t I feel better?  This is in many ways just as hard as it was on Day 1.  I don’t feel like I’ve come to accept this at all yet, lost my cravings at all yet.  I spent the last several days in Chicago at my parents’ house, and I can’t tell you how many times I had to fight back the urge to go pilfer some sweets.  In fact, the only thing that stopped me one night was actually the realization that it had been 6 months.  I told myself that I couldn’t waste 6 months of hard work.

I have to admit, though, that I’m sure some of this has to do with my overall mental health right now.  I’ve been running on sky-high stress levels since about a month into this journey.  That’s when we found out Nate needed another eye surgery, and it’s just been downhill since then.  Between his worsening eye problems, the discovery of this growing kidney tumors, the anxiety over Gus’s VHL test results, and now my mom’s recent illness, and all of that topped off by continuing financial strain – well, I’m a wreck.  However, I’ve made it a New Year’s resolution to take better care of myself, and not only am I looking into some support groups for caregivers, I’m also going to see my midwife in a week to talk to her about adjusting and/or changing my anti-depressant.  This is something I probably should’ve done for ages but haven’t.  It’s been clear for awhile that the dose/brand I’m on right now isn’t working.

Finally, I also know that I have a yeast overgrowth, and I understand that intense sugar cravings often go hand-in-hand with this.  Although I had sugar problems long before I had a clearly identifiable yeast issue, I’m wondering how much this plays into the difficulties I’m experiencing.  However, I’m also taking that bull by the horns in a couple of weeks by going on a strict yeast-elimination diet.

So 6 month is up, and I don’t really feel that different.  But I AM hopeful that in another 6 months (or maybe even less!), I WILL be feeling more positive.

I am, however, taking a bit of a break today.  For one, Gus is not at daycare, and I can’t really use Fit around him, or he’s trying to get on the balance board.  (Yes, I am terrible – I used far too much of Gus’s day at daycare yesterday playing games rather than working or getting ready for Christmas…)  Plus, I am really sore, and I know my body needs a small break.  There is definitely such a thing as overdoing it!  I don’t want to burn out.  So I did a bit of step aerobics and a few balance games, but that’s about it for today.  I’m definitely avoiding tennis, because although it’s a blast, I’m having some shoulder issues, and I’m really paying the price today.  So I’m going to have to take it a bit easy with the tennis.  

I can’t believe how great this Wii is!  And to think that just a week ago, I would’ve told you I didn’t even wanta  Wii.  Now I’m an additct!  I’ve spent quite a bit of time compiling a list of more games I want to try.  I believe Nate said his mom is also sending Maggie Outdoor Adventure, which is great because that’s at the top of my list!  I also want Dance, Dance Revolution and World of Goo.  

Well, I should stop blathering on about this.  But clearly the Wii has re-energized my fitness desires, and I have to talk about it SOMEWHERE.  What better place than my blog?

Anyway, I’ve done 40 minutes today already!  Of course, about half of those were balance games, which often run under a minute mark and then get rounded up.  And they definitely weren’t 40 contiguous minutes.  But I was off my tush and doing something, and that’s more than I’ve been able to say for awhile!

My very generous mother-in-law gave us not only a Wii (believe it or not, but the last gaming system I owned was the original Nintendo, back in the late 80s or early 90s), but also Wii Play with the nunchuck controller AND…Wii Fit!

I have to admit that I’m not much of a gamer – hence the lack of gaming systems in my life – but I really liked the Wii when I played it for the first time last Christmas.  And I’ve especially been intrigued with Wii Fit for obvious reasons.  So I was super excited to open it, and I can’t WAIT to give the Fit a try.  Nate’s going to set it up tonight, and I’ll take it for a spin tomorrow.

I must say, though, I am nervous about the Wii Fit Mii, or whatever it’s called.  I’ve heard they are far too realistic.  I’m not sure I want to see fat, blobby me up there!  But I guess maybe that will be an added incentive.

Here’s to a Fit new year!!!

My mom has either had a stroke or has lupus or has an infectious disease – one of the above is likely causing inflammation in her brain that is causing numbness on her left side.

And I’m telling you, I’ve just about had it.  Yesterday was the first time in awhile where stress broke me down and made me want to stuff my face with sugar.  In the end, I didn’t have any sugar – but I can’t say that I didn’t stuff my face with good ol’ numbing non-sugary food.  But at least no sugar is progress, right?

2009 has to be better.  It just has to.  I can’t take another year like this one.

However, I AM doing a yeast elimination diet after the new year, no matter what.  I’ve been battling clear signs of yeast imbalance for over 2 years now, almost certainly caused by the massive dose of antibiotics I was given during my labor with Gus because I was Group B Strep positive.  So I know that doing that for 4-8 weeks will cause some weight loss.  (If it doesn’t, I will be going to the doctor, because that would be a clear sign that something is up.)  From there, I hope to gradually add more diverse foods back into my diet and hopefully get myself to eating a healthier diet than I am right now.  

I also really do want to start the Couch to 5K program.  I have to admit that I’ve just been feeling super unmotivated lately – about everything.  But I really want to break this plateau.  Still, it’s not something I’m going to bite off now.  Even though I’m not indulging in Christmas cookies and I have no holiday parties on my calendar (fun life I have, eh?), it’s still just a bad time of year to undertake something like that.  So once I get through Christmas and Nate’s and my birthdays (the 13th and 7th of Jan, respectively), I’m going to have to shake this lackadaisical outlook off somehow.  I’m hoping the yeast elimination diet – which I MUST do, for reasons that have nothing to do with my weight but should have a positive impact on my weight nonetheless – will help do that.